What does a recovering couple look like?

Whether or not we are aware of what the nature of our historical framework is, or is not, that framework informs the way we behave in our present-day primary relationship. As most recovering people discover along the way, it is imperative that consciousness be brought to uncovering old ideas that do not work anymore, letting them go, and bringing in new ideas that support the ability to sustain faith and trust in a collaborative way with yourself and in your partnership.

The following list of characteristics—obviously along a continuum of extremes on both ends of the spectrum—may be helpful in identifying what the potential can be of going from a dysfunctional relationship based on power, control, right, and wrong to a functional relationship of cooperative effort, mutual alliance, respect, and equanimity.

Historical Frame of Reference	Conscious
Rigid Roles	Role Flexibility
Don’t Talk	Open Dialogue
Don’t Trust	Safe Environment
Don’t Feel	Mindful—Loving
Fear-Based Environment	Faith-Based Environment
Dysregulated	Regulated
Chaotic	Calm
Unpredictable	Predictable
Auto-regulated through Objects	Self-regulated through Partner
Parental	Mature
Infantilizing	Empowering
Poor Boundaries	Respectful Boundaries
Exploitive Emotionally	Of Service Emotionally
Defended	Vulnerable
Power Struggle for Domination	Cooperative Effort for Connection
Independent	Interdependent
Dependent	Interdependent

Ultimately, when a couple is approaching their relationship from a present-day, conscious frame of reference, the following will manifest within the relationship:

Both partners desire to understand their beloved as much as they want to be understood.
Both partners know how to serve the needs of their beloved, even if it is done clumsily and imperfectly.
Both partners devote themselves to work at expressing their love for their partner every day, and are willing to kneel in apology with heart and soul in hand when harm has been done.
Both partners agree that love is an action. It is predictable, consistent, and kind.
Both partners take the time to find the words and actions that convey love to their beloved in the way that their beloved feels loved.
Both partners do not resent the burden of their beloved. They have enormous gratitude for having an object of love to grow with and be generous toward, and recognize the gift that the connection offers.
Both partners do not take the love of their beloved for granted. They recognize that death is near, and that one day a last breath will occur for both.
Both partners work toward expressing their erotic nature with their partner.
Partner love is both in the body and in the mind. It is protected and expressed through daily affection and verbal expression.
Both partners show sympathy and empathy for the suffering of their loved ones.
Both partners breathe out jealousy, resentment, competition, hatred, and indifference.
Both partners have a practice of connectedness to feel moment-to-moment gratitude for their beloved’s love at their fingertips, day or night.